Want to make fellow flyers long to pick you up and toss you off the plane? Here’s help. Have a nice fight, oops, flight.
Hold up that line! Never bother to check on airline baggage fees and weight restrictions. You can always argue with the pleasant folk at the check-in counter. If that doesn’t cut any ice with them, no worries—pop your suitcase open on the floor, pull out your hideous clothing and stuff the smelly hiking boots into your carry-on. Hearing annoyed grunts from those waiting in line behind you? Yank some cotton buds off your vanity case and stuff them into your ears.
Cut through the queues. so what if the gate agent is repeatedly announcing that boarding is open only for Zone 4 and beyond? You don’t believe in wasting time, do you? And then, you’re worried about shoving that hefty carry-on before others do, so walk firmly up and wave your front-of-the-craft seat number under the agent’s nose. Feel free to curse when you’re sent marching back for the time being, and stamp someone’s toe for good measure.
Irritate the airhostess: That useless safety demo is so tiresome. Why can’t they rattle off a list of drinks on board instead? Well, if you’ve got to endure the drone, might as well have fun. How about carefully imitating each action of hers—the yanking of the seat belt, the dropping of the oxygen mask. Turn up your nose when she glares at you. And clap, or better still, whistle when she’s done with her little speech.
Chatter away! Remember the last time you were yakking in a loud voice and someone leaned over to remind you that you were not in a sports bar? Idiots! What better time to hold forth than with a spot of booze and a captive audience—so what if the hapless woman next to you looks bored to tears? This fulfilling activity is best enjoyed at night on long-haul flights, just when the cabin lights have been switched off.
Sit back and relax—at random: Who cares if the person seated behind you is watching the TV screen, trying to use a laptop, or munching on a snack. It’s your seat, you paid for it, and you’re jolly well going to make sure you squeeze every penny’s worth of comfort from it. Slide suddenly back, and let them yell or curse. Who cares, certainly not you!
Make yourself at home: don’t let the armrest—or anything else—restrict your movements. Flail your arms cheerfully about as you chatter or open the newspaper full wide. If you have the window seat, make sure you visit the loo at least 15 times, especially at night. Losing all that water means you need to rehydrate, so don’t hesitate to call for the steward and ask for water, juice and coffee. When eating, enjoy every bite by holding your fork with elbows stretched 90 comfortable degrees.
Be the first to deplane: C’mon, you are always first. In everything. Plant a leg across your still-seated aisle companion, and squeeze into the queue. Without waiting a second, yank the overhead hatch open, and don’t bother to apologise if someone else’s bag thuds down. Let those before and behind you glare for all they are worth. Once you’ve got your sack, start pushing and jostling to get to the exit door before anyone else does.
Never switch off your cell phone: just because some disembodied voice is telling you to. When was the last time a plane fell off the sky because of a cell phone, eh? So, while the others obediently turn off their instruments, use your hearty voice to let your mom/madame know you are taking off and how much you love her and her pooch, and microseconds after touchdown, start yelling with excitement to let her know you’ve arrived. If a crew member tells you to switch it off, raise an annoyed eyebrow and snap the off button in their face.
Grab your luggage, quick! Of course everyone wants to get their bags doublequick and get out of the airport, but only fools wait for their bags to tumble down the carousel. Position yourself at the mouth of the belt, and pounce on every red bag that pops into sight. As soon as you see one real close to your own, grab and run,
without wasting time on checking if it’s really yours.